So here it goes.....
I was having a conversation with a male co-worker around the same age (30's), he was telling me and another co-worker a true story about a few of his buddies that he grew up with. Apparently, my male co-worker is happily married with 4 children whereas some of his buddies aren't so happily married.
He started the story by asking us (two female co-workers) where did we all go wrong ?!? Talented and smart yet trapped in positions @ work that maybe less desirable at this current stage in our lives while looking to explore other options yet the current state of the economy suggest otherwise.
He tells us that his buddies are happy & wealthy career wise but not so happy home wise, where he's the exact opposite. Supposingly they recently all hungout at a pub and one of the married men (was drunk ?!?) and hooked up with some female that he met at the bar. He's not quite sure what took place but he's pretty positive that if anything the guy ended up with a happy ending (if you know what I mean) and wanted to know from a females point of view was this considered cheating since there was no penetration and if so what level of cheating was it?
The question I had for him ... since when were there levels to cheating and acceptable one's at that?!?
I guess this goes back to the communications road blocks that seem to intervene between man & woman.
Both Ladies and Gents... I need some help with this one, please shed some light on this Eureka!
Photo courtesy of : Google Images
Interesting topic i like it. Ok so i have had numberous debates with all kinds of people about cheating. The fact of the matter is everyone has a different view of what they consider cheating. For example i have a friend who was dating this girl for about 3 years and one semester of college he decided that he was going to take summer school (the school was 3 hours away from their hometown) so he moved back to the college while his girlfriend stayed at home 3 hours away. Now while he was up at the school one night he ended up making out with some other girl and then just disreguarding it like it never happened. A couple months later his girlfriend found out about it and flipped out. Now his opinion was that (like your story) he was drunk, it was just a kiss, and it didnt mean anything. Her opinion was if its not me your kissing or doing sex acts with then its cheating.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with her i have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years now i would have to say that if he so much as kissed another girl, obviously we are talking about a real kiss, then i would consider it cheating because it wasnt me he was kissing and we are in a committed relationship and he agrees. I believe that the only way sexual acts with someone other then your bf/ gf or husband/ wife would be considered not cheating would be if you were in an open relationship and you both agreed that it was an open relationship, meaning you are not strictly committed just to that one person. Once you agree to have a closed relationship or committed relationship it is now considered cheating. I think i started to ramble a little but does this make sense at all? Again this is just one opinion, everybody has their own idea of what cheating is. Some people can forgive and forget others see it as a deal breaker and cant stand to be with that person anymore.
Seriously, drunk as an excuse? Never. Unless you completely black out, drunk is never an excuse.
ReplyDeleteI know there are teens out there that actually think that without penetration, they aren't having sex. If my lipstick is getting on a guys boxers, we're having sex!
What's more interesting to me is that you were having this conversation with a guy at work. If any guy here at work tried to discuss this subject with me (and I know I'm older and pretty much a prude but really!) I would shut him up. That level of intimate discussion is uncomfortable for me. I don't even want to discuss this with my female co-workers.
But since I'm writing, considering cheating can be cheating. Many people feel that if a person is considering cheating, he/she may as well do it because she's/he's obviously not committed to the person she's/he's with. And I mean seriously considering. Passing fancies are just normal.
Taryn
I find this interesting, I must be honest, the second i read your post about this guy saying, blah blah, yea it wasnt me but... some guys i know did this... what do YOU think of it? Right away I thought haaaa, you mean YOU did it, and your saying it was other people to try and get an honest opinion out of me without tarnishing my thoughts of you. I may be right, or he may be telling the truth, never know - did you ever think of it that way?
ReplyDeleteBut anyways! I agree with our text book in the fact that men and women have different understandings and communicate differently, but in my mind, i think for a man or woman to say it is a communication misunderstanding of what "cheating" is considered, kill the act. You know very well that most likely the one who cheated, regrets it or realizes what they did wrong, and says oh, i don't consider that cheating - and that very same person would be upset, shocked, angry, disgusted by the same acts and behaviors being done towards them.
For instance: If a man says, yeh, I was drunk; it didn't mean anything; it was only a kiss; it was my bachelor party; but were not married; cant you just forgive me and get over it? Say the exact situation was reversed and it was the girl saying it to the man, or vice versa - that person would most likely object to the performance and antics.
I'll tell you what though, the next boyfriend I have better "communicate" properly and recognize any type of action with attraction and sexual motives is going to be considered cheating, and if thats not how they feel, then thats going to be over before it begins.
Whats the point in having an exclusive person, if your interesting in other people or the thought of being with someone else? Be single instead, don't jeopardize another persons feelings and emotions.
Response to Teandra,
ReplyDeleteI personally think there are definitely different types of cheating such as; emotional, kissing, oral or actual sex. However I think all of them are bad no matter what the level. Personally I think your friend knows this. I wonder if he would think it was cheating if his wife got the same thing done to her. If his answer is yes (which I am sure it will be) then he is just saying those things to make himself feel better about what he did. After all he has to live with it and I think that sometimes people try to justify their wrong doings so that they don’t feel guilty or to avoid taking accountability for their actions.
I feel this was cheating, especially if he was married. Blaming it on being drunk only rationalizes his actions. I would have been uncomfortable in this conversation and wondering what his intentions were? Why tell you? Maybe it was to get your feelings on sleeping with a married man. I ended a job last year where one of the male employees felt the need to sleep with anyone who would allow it. He even made me feel uncomfortable, always making comments and even spoke out on one occasion about his interest in me. I stated he was married and he replied with "so what, if my values were not the same as yours it should not matter". My respond was that "I was a God fearing woman" and got away from the situation. What bothers me was some of the women he was sleeping with were married as well. What has happened to old fashion values. Like someone stated that now they do not consider it sex without penetration, which I do not agree. I did like the comment about lipstick though.
ReplyDeleteOk, in my book this guy cheated. I don't believe there are different levels of cheating, cheating is cheating. It is breaking a commitment to another person, you cannot just slightly pass that line, its all or nothing.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that being drunk makes any difference. If you are truly committed to someone you should not put yourself into a situation where your inhibitions or logical reasoning could be tested. My boyfriend and I have discussed this exact issue. I have several guy friends, however I would not go out drinking excessively with them because I know I love my boyfriend to much to even put myself in a situation where my commitment could be tested and I might foolishly do something I regret because of the influence of alcohol.
To me cheating is any act, emotional or physical, that you would not talk openly about with your partner. It's important to communicate your expectations of each other, the relationship and what is acceptable to each other, however as soon as you do something you would not want your partner to know about, you are likely cheating.
Thanks for all the feedback "Classmates"...looks like we're all on the same page on this topic!
ReplyDeleteMy co-worker isn't the "cheater" type, his wife and kids are absolutely beautiful all of whom he speaks of at nauseam. He's just one of those people who talks openly about everything (I'm sure we all know of someone like this). In my hearts of hearts, I really think the cheater was his buddie.
Response to Robin's Blog (week # 3)
ReplyDeleteTeandra said...
Tonya has a strong point about the history of job employment post WW II. I too work in the healthcare industry for over 12 years now and there are a large number of male nurses and clinical care technicians in the field.However, I do have to admit that the female secretaries out number the male. The statement that you made that stood out to me the most was concerning male babysitters. At first, I'd have to admit that I may have had a small problem with a young boy wanting to watch my toddler daughter (if I had one)but I guess the same issues that could appear in that situation could appear with a female sitter as well. It's so hard to retrain your thinking..... Huh!
June 5, 2009 5:02 PM
RESPONSE TO JOAN'S BLOG (WEEK # 3)
ReplyDeleteTeandra said...
Hi Classmates,
I don't know if I'm having one of those silly days or what but Joans post was funny and everyone's response minus Nik's had me peeing in my pants !!! I can hardly contain myself while typing my response~
It's not that I think homosexuals are funny.. it's simply because I can relate to everyone's experience minus Maissa's. As strange as it sounds, I know people who walk around calling people "fruitballs or FB" male or female and regardless of wheter or not it's true, they base it off of their behavior, responses, tone of voice or mannerism. Don't get me wrong, they're not homophobics but they say it because they get a kick out of the word "fruitball or FB". I tell them they're nuts and not to say that when I hear them but they still do. I guess they figure as long as the person doesn't hear them it's okay although it's still not right.
Nik your response was on point and I couldn't agree more people are creatures of habit.
June 5, 2009 6:05 PM
RESPONSE TO TONYA'S BLOG (WEEK # 3)
ReplyDeleteTeandra said...
Tonya,
That's a serious EUREKA moment... I'm not sure what I would do if in your shoes. I think that I would probably go to HR especially now that he's no longer in your department, you should be protected by the "whistle blower" law. Atleast with not having to report to him you can rest assure that he won't take it out on you thru your appraisals. Have you discussed it with any of the other ladies in your department who experienced the same form of harrasment? Just wondering if you'd have to provide proof to HR so that it's not just hear say. If you choose not to report him, you may want to address the situation with him the next time he says something to you that you feel is out of line. Hope this helps!
This is just disturbing. There are many people who know they are in the wrong and try as hard as they can to justify their actions by any means. Cheating can occur without any physical contact for that matter. This is at the emotional level when you are investing extraordinary amounts of time into another person instead of your partner. I hope his wife finds out because she is the one I feel sorry for. I feel sorry for him because he has the nerve to act like nothing happened, but his wife is truly the victim here.
ReplyDelete