So.... I received a text message from one of my younger brothers (25 yrs old) tonight @ 8:59pm fumming because his son's mother has decided to file for child support of their 1 yr old son. He couldn't seem to understand why she would take him to court when he supports his son personally and financially as well as her. He suggested that the only reason why she decided to file was because she's out of work,wants to pocket the extra money for herself and is upset because they recently split-up.
I had to put my personal feelings aside for my brother as I thought of a cordial way to respond to his text without disregarding his feelings. Once placed in the same situation, as single mother I thought of my past experience and began to question my brothers consistancy with providing financial support for his child and deleted the text to pick up the phone and call him.
We had a nice conversation about the importance of being timely and consistent with personal and financial contribution towards the development and growth of his son, I suggested that the mother of his child is looking out for the best interest of their son and probably doesn't want to have nor should she have to chase him down now that he's decided to move on. I tried my best not to sound so "pro-women" acknowledging the fact that his ego was bruised at this point and he most likely needed some time to let it all soak in to truly understand her logic.
I don't know many women that are paying child support to single male parental figures but it's mind boggling how many men feel violated when asked to financially support their child. If it were you're brother, how would you have handled his text message?
Firstly, I think it heavily depends on the custody rights/issues and how the relationship with the mother is. I can see where it becomes a sensitive issue not so much of gender, but rather trust in where his money is going and exactly how much is being allotted for his child. I do think, as discussed in more depth in this weeks discussion board, that this scenario is related to child support/custody issues that occur in the courtroom. In my opinion, many men are discriminated against in the courtroom and then the subsequent aftermath shows a bitter, depressed man seemingly incapable of seeing his children, or at least enough of them, but then having to turn a good deal of his money over to the mother. I have to say, if I were in that poor guy's shoes who had lost a wife, a kid(s), essentially a family, and then money, I'd be just as frustrated and bitter. All in all it is a sensitive issue and while it may be about money right now and specifically, overall it is a sensitive issue for fathers, especially for those who aren't deadbeat dads, and it is one that according to the media and our state of society, women have the supreme advantage in.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nik that it depends on the child custody situation but i would have to say that i think you handled the situation well. While your brother probably still feels hurt by the situation and only thinks she wants to pocket the extra money because of her job loss, i think she is also concerned for her sons sake. She doesnt necessarily need the money for herself because she is out of a job but she needs the money to help support her son. If she is out of a job then it means she cant support herself or more importantly their son. I would give her the child support to help with the current situation and then if things get out of hand (like she doesnt try to find onther job because she is getting the child support) than i would do something about it. Until then i think he should want to help her out a little because in helping her he is helping his son. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Nick that fathers are discriminated against on this issue. Your brother should decide what it is he wants in the way of visitation. I do not think joint custody would be allowed, since they are not married, but you did state that she is not working. My ex-husband use to pay child support faithfully, but his ex-wife would lie and state she was not getting it on time. In addition, we would get the checks back with little drawings on them. We finally decided to go through probation to get her off our back. Your brother would probably be better off doing it through the courts, so as to avoid any of this.
ReplyDeleteResonse to Robin's Week #5 post:
ReplyDeleteTeandra said...
Robin,
That's an excellent question that I'm sure each individual would answer differently. I would hope that the teachers judgement was according to what they assumed would hold the students interest. I encourage reading (in my opinion) you'd want to provide literature that a child "wants" to read. I know it's hard to assume that boys wouldn't want to read Junie B. or girls maybe about sports but having children in your class as a teacher you come to learn what sparks their interest. I hope that the teachers judgement was based off of that insight.
Response to Joan's week # 5 post
ReplyDeleteJoan,
As you stated these stereotypes have not changed although the times have changed. Not only do boys make these sexist comments toward other boys but females are just as cruel. In fact, just last week while in a meeting a co-worker asked me to pass the post-it pad, she was all the way at the other end of the table so I tossed it and she made the same comment as your boys during field day, "you throw like a girl", I looked at her like how was I suppose to pass it, there stickies not a ball and your like 3 seats down. Totally uncalled for and she didn't get a laugh out of anyone if that was her goal. Not sure how certain stereotypes will ever fade away. But it sounds like you had a successful volleyball game so as Taryn stated, when you do soemthing well you should be proud regardless of ignorant/sexist comments.
Response to Niks week # 5 post
ReplyDeleteTeandra said...
Nicole,
Some how, it seems as though this woman had your friends restaurant mistaken for maybe a starbucks or barnes and nobles. I think the owners were right in addressing the situation although I may have spoke with her a little earlier, like the first time she decided to order only water and bring her own tea. I wouldn't necessarily classify the woman as "crazy" but I do think that many people are selfish and don't understand the requirements in running your own business. As long as her actions didn't hurt your friends business, I guess a lesson was learned by all involved. I'm sure your friends will nip invaders such as that woman in the buddy asap and hopefully that woman won't take advantage of the next small business owner.
June 18, 2009 9:40 PM
Hi Teandra,
ReplyDeleteI think you handled the situation marvelously. Believe it or not men are not the only ones who feel attacked when they have to pay child support. I work at motor vehicles and your driver’s license will get suspended if you don’t pay child support. You would be surprised at the number of women who don’t pay child support. I think people automatically assume that only men pay child support or only men can be dead beats. I’ve noticed that more women get suspended due to failure to pay child support than men do. I just think that women don’t complain about it because they are ashamed they that don’t have their children were as men are more vocal and feel violated. In a lot of cases they felt like they didn’t want the child. Men can feel trapped in a situation they may not have wanted. However the bottom line is if you are a parent whether you are ready to be one or not you have to take care of your child. Also child support is based off each individual’s salary and the courts don’t impose anything that you can't reasonable afford. I’ve seen parents who have to pay $60 a month and aren’t able to do that so I don’t really feel sympathy for anyone who has to pay child support. I think it is a given that if you are not the parent taking care of your child more than half of the time than you should not have a problem paying child support, whether it is imposed by the courts or a verbal understanding between the two parties involved. I don’t think that child support is a male dominated issue. Many men are gaining custody of their children every day. I am curious, did your brother apply for partial custody, in which case he wouldn’t have to worry about child support and he would have an active role in his child’s life. I know a lot of men that have done that and none of them have been denied by the courts. The problem is so few men and women take advantage of the rights that they have, they would rather spend their energy complaining about pay support instead of saying how they can be a bigger part of their child’s life. If you ask the same parents that constantly complain about paying child support if they took advantage of their rights, they will usually say they haven’t had the time, or why should they go through the trouble, very few parents think about what is good for the child. It is no longer about that persons feelings or their wants you must always do what is best for your child whether you are a mother or father.
I'm not sure how I would have handled this situation myself, but I think you did a good job. I know someone who is constantly complaining that his ex-wife is taking him for all he makes. The guy doesn't make a lot and is way behind on his child support. I usually don't get into it because there are other issues (she won't let him see his kids, and returns checks he sends them for their birthday) but I can understand the women wanting to take care of her kids. She is actually much, much better off then him though, and remarried which also brought her income up, so I do feel for him too. If I was in your brother's child's mother's place I would have done the same thing. My mother didn't involve the courts when she divorced and it didn't take long for my father to stop. Even if someone is providing financial security, I think it is a good idea for the parents to make sure that support continues, for the best of thier child(ren).
ReplyDeleteKesha and Tonya,
ReplyDeleteI agree and appreciate both or your responses, to answer Kesha's question,the day that I received the text is the day that he received the court papers stating that he needed to appear in court for a child support hearing. So, no I don't believe that he has filed for partial custody but I will mention it to him. Thanks alot for sharing your opinions!